Have you ever felt that no matter how loud you talk or how long or loud you scream no one hears you, Yea I've been there too .

No this isn't a pity party, just another way to talk and maybe someone will hear and understand what I'm saying without telling me how crazy I am, OR how stupid I sound.
I would start at the beginning but really does anyone ever know where it all begins. Some things just happen that seems to come out of nowhere and others happen for a reason( or so I've been told ). So I guess I'll have to start where I feel comfortable starting...

I will start with a few of my feelings they are what got me here and writing all of this, it is also what really brought out my depression and anxiety, then RAGE followed along for the ride unfortunately it also took over me the edge.   


The beginning for me starts here...
 
FEAR:
I've learned is usually what lurks in a shallow part of my mind, fear of loving someone, fear of getting older, fear of no one understanding me, fear of losing someone ( we all have that fear ), fear of getting close to someone then being left behind, fear of being forgotten, my BIGGEST fear dying...really what does happen after we die....is there an afterlife, do we go on in another life, so many people have a THEORY on this I guess no one will know until we die, I can hear all the religious people screaming for my blood because they all KNOW what happens when we die, so I will just put that to rest for now.
Maybe someone who reads this can explain it all to me, hopefully.


If anyone really knew what I have done they would definitely be questioning me on the whole fear of death. WHY ???
Because I found that by cutting myself I could calm myself down, by that I mean the anger disappeared and I was a little more calm, more able to deal with what was going on around me.

"Normal" people would ask why would you do that to yourself ?
My answer, if you have never been there you have no idea and you would probably never understand:
Imagine yourself as a pressure cooker the pressure keep's rising and rising if you don't do something about the pressure it will eventually explode; that's how it felt inside my body the anger kept building and building to the point where it felt like I was going to explode, so one day I cut myself (sounds ridiculous, I know) but there was no pain it actually felt good, from then on for about the next 6 month's whenever I got angry or upset I would cut myself, the more I cut the better it felt (NO, I'm not still doing it) but the point is, people say that a cutter is just out for attention, no they are not it's not about attention or wanting to kill their selves it's about trying to find a way to cope with what is bothering them, if you see someone with what looks like cut marks don't judge them as freaks because their not they need understanding not criticism be supportive, I mean really is it to much to ask you to have a heart......(okay enough preaching, Sorry about that)

Here is another song that I think fits...

CONFUSION:
I think this one is the hardest to explain even to myself, I mean after all by the time your 40 you should know what you want as far as life goes and what you want as a career, what size family you want, and then there is your sexuality, most thing's that people talk about is how at an early stages in their life they knew which gender they were attracted to, I didn't get that memo I know that I have a huge thing for men BUT there are times when a certain kind of woman catches my eye and I look at her and think I can see why men are attracted to her.
Does that make me bi-sexual or just
bi-curious OR does it make me anything at all...after all just cause you look at the opposite sex and can see how attractive they are doesn't mean anything right, why do we have to label everything?
It seems as though most people are not happy unless they can put a name on something how pathetic their lives must be if they have to have a name for everything around them so they can identify what is going on around them,
Does it give them some kind of power? NO....
Does it make their lives easier to live? NO..
So what is with all the labels??
I sometimes wonder what this world would be like if everyone could just accept each other and everything around them how much happier we would all be....I know my dream's are better than real life....